“I’d like some rope.” “How much rope?” “Oh, I don’t know, maybe about this much?” “How much?” “About 27 centimeters.” “Speak english.” “What do you mean, I am speaking english?” “We don’t use centimeters around here.” “Umm, uhh, I, uhh…” “Tell you what, I’m gonna cut you a piece of rope.” “That would be nice.”…
It’s the thought that counts, but don’t count on it to solve complicated mathematical equations. Just because it counts doesn’t mean that it’s very good at it. Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com
Joey cut another piece of cheese, and put it on his sandwich. He opened his mouth and clamped down hard, his taste buds exploded with delicious cheddar cheese, ham, and turkey. Joey devoured the sandwich, and washed it down with a gulp of coffee. What a delicious lunch! Up until now, his day had gone…
The other day, as I was sitting in a dentist chair staring up at a ceiling, I heard a song called “Man On The Run.” I guess men running is inspiring or something. I can’t say I find the song particularly inspiring, but I did find it more inspiring than getting my teeth scraped. Naturally,…
Watcha doin’ carrot head? Corrie turned her head and walked away. She’d heard it all. She wasn’t about to respond to a pedestrian insult like that. Is someone’s hair on fire? Oh wait, it’s just Corrie. Corrie turned and stuck out her tongue. She was so busy looking backwards that she didn’t see the wall,…
“You can’t make me count to ten!” Said Gladys. “How many fingers am I holding up?” Asked Roy. “Ten.” Gladys answered. Photo by Jenn Schut on Pexels.com
Virginia was two years sober, and she had finally figured out the perfect little side hustle. She would sell her urine. Drug users of all stripes were constantly on the lookout for good urine. She was excited to get into business. She printed up a couple hundred business cards which she distributed to local drug…
The sun was rising over Burtonsville Missouri, and Elizabeth Chandlerwick was eating breakfast at the local diner. As with most morning, Elizabeth was eating bacon and eggs. The eggs were over medium. “How do you like them eggs?” Asked Chet. Elizabeth ignored him, and turned the page on the Wall Street Journal. Chet owned the…
Jolene had a brilliant idea. Brilliant ideas were not foreign to Jolene, but this one was really great. She went over to Jerry’s house in the middle of the night and smashed out all the windows. It was brilliant. Jerry woke up in the morning, and looked at the broken windows. Oh well, two can…
I used to work with a fellow named Bruce. Bruce was a 350 pound machinist. A creative, if undisciplined, genius who sweated grease out of his pores and had a fantastically brutal temper which would come out in full display if his name brand vice-grips were misplaced. Bruce was wise to the ways of the…
Jane was very talented, but she had a terrible job. Her job was to sweep the floor. She hated sweeping the floor. “Why did I get stuck with such a boring, lame job?” Asked Jane. She deserved something better, but people were stupid and wouldn’t let her do interesting things. Maybe she should just quit,…
Brock had just gotten out of the dock. Unfortunately he hadn’t had time for a change of clothes yet, and his orange jumpsuit was still hanging around his waist. “Why hasn’t anyone stopped?” He wondered. Well, if people weren’t gonna be nice he’d better take matters into his own hand. He spied a fallen log…
When we first set off in our spaceship there were three of us; Abagail Warner, Jospeh Putney, and myself. We’d been traveling for about five earth day (time get sort of funny out here, but we still refer to earth based time segments, because it’s easier that way) when we heard a funny sound coming…
Dear Dumbestblogger, I have recently been very disturbed by the direction your blog has been taking. You used to post funny, and amusing content. Recently, however, it seems that you have abandoned all standards. For example, you recently posted about a woman poisoning another woman at a tea party, and included a preposterous plot twist…
There was one set of snowshoe track in the newly fallen snow. Just one. The snow was still falling. At the crest of the hill the tracks turned slightly, as if someone had looked back. They straightened, and continued moving forward. The snow kept falling. Soon the tracks were covered completely. No one would even…
