652: The Squid’s Teeth

The Squid was jealous of the octopus’s teeth, so he went to the dentist. “Can you give me teeth like the octopus?” asked the Squid. The dentist stroked her chin. “Maybe.” She said. “But it will cost you $1,300.” The Squid was perplexed. Money is not something which marine animals are intimately aware of. “How…

649: Of Spiders and Dinosaurs

There was only half of a spider in the doorway. The other half of the doorway was on the windowsill, or maybe smashed across Wendell’s newspaper. At any rate, it wasn’t in the doorway anymore. Which should have been a relief, except for the large bat that appeared where where the spider had been. Wendell…

648: The Body

On Tuesday Jeremy went out to get the cows. It was a fairly normal thing for Jeremy to do on Tuesdays. In fact, it would be a normal thing for Jeremy to do on Wednesday or Thursday. But this particular day was a Tuesday, and Jeremy was getting the cows. He was about halfway down…

637: Get Woke And Shoot Puppies

Occasionally, in my more sanguine moments, I wish that I had lived in the days of Jonathan Swift, when satire could actually be satire. But alas, it seems that in these modern days good satire can be difficult to accomplish. Take, for example, the Australian dog shelter which shot its dogs because it was woke,…

611: A Magical Pony Ride

My Dearest Andrew, I first became enamored by the magic of pony rides when I was a young child. I can still clearly recall the day; I was five years old, the girl down the street was turning six and her parents threw her a large party with cake, pinatas and pony rides. I stood…

604: Princess The Bull

Most bulls don’t spend much time worrying about their name, but most bulls are not named Princess. “I hate my name!” Moaned Princess. No one cared. Princess felt ignored. “I hate feeling ignored!” Moaned Princess. “Cry me a river.” Said the other bulls. Princess did cry, but not quite enough to start a river of…

601: Do You Know You’re Not A Cow?

I wrote this song for my dog. Who eats grass, ostensibly because she thinks that she is a cow. Which she is not. Well I see you’re enjoying the weather I see that you’re eating the grass It looks like you’ve shoved off to pasture It seems like the concrete is past And all of…

588: The Thing About Yaks

We need to talk about Yaks. Yaks are like cows, or buffalo or something. They are very big, and they live in the Himalayas. Like cows, they produce milk. Which is a nice thing for the people who live in the Himalayas. Apparently they make a lot of butter out of the yak milk. Before…

582: Find Something To Eat

“I’m hungry.” Said Millicent. “Find something to eat.” Said Millicent’s Mom. Millicent flew to town and ate several people who were strolling on the sidewalk. There are perks to being a dragon. Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels.com

577: Aliens Moo

Gentlemen, Ladies, assorted bipedal, tripedal and quadrapedal beings, These last couple of years have proved to be greatly challenging in our quest to survive. As you know all too well, a great interplanetary invader has landed on the surface of our planet, and is swiftly devouring all that we hold dear and sacred. It has…