Hecuba was a cannibal.
Before you judge her too harshly for this you should know that Hecuba’s decision to eat human flesh was highly informed, and based on highly rational moral reasoning. Hecuba had briefly flirted with veganism, but found that it just didn’t work for her. Her body craved the protein and nutrients found in meat, but she was deeply troubled by the prevalence of factory farming and mistreatment of animals so common in modern agriculture.
Hecuba wanted to eat meat, but she wanted to eat it with a clean conscience. She looked at the common methods for raising animals and was dissatisfied with every one. Finally she realized that humans were the only animals that were not systematically mistreated. When Hecuba realized this a whole new world opened to her. If she confined herself to only eating human meat she would not be contributing to the horrors which mankind inflicts upon animals and the environment.
So Hecuba began her life as a morally upstanding cannibal. She thought it would be difficult to secure human meat, but it really wasn’t that bad. She set up a solar panel powered chest freezer, which could easily have fit three ready-to-eat humans. She was quite proud of the solar powered element. Ever socially conscious, Hecuba was quite concerned about her impact on the environment. Hecuba didn’t really need as much storage space as the freezer provided, as one human gave her enough meat for several months.
Hecuba did need to knock off a couple people a year to feed her lifestyle choice, but two or three suspicious deaths a year is not a serious issue. At first she was a little nervous to tell people about her diet, but she soon learned that she could discuss it quite freely, and with complete impunity. Most people didn’t believe her, and those whose brains were twisted enough to know she was telling the truth were kind of impressed. It would have helped her dating prospects, but the young men smitten by Hecuba became mysteriously nervous upon learning of her culinary restrictions.
Not everything was perfect, however. The bones which began to accumulate around Hecuba caused her a great deal of consternation. As an environmentally conscious individual it bothered her that she had pile of bones laying around that she wasn’t using for anything. In an effort to be tidy she stuffed them into one of her closets, but this course of action left no room for shoes.
Hecuba had always been artistic, so she decided to try making art with her leftover skeletons. Statues were the obvious art form for this material, but somehow the statues she made just didn’t seem right. It was while she was making some wind chimes that the idea occurred to her: she would form a band which played its music solely on human body parts.
Hecuba’s band was an instant success. She started out playing restaurants and coffeeshops, but quickly moved on to bigger venues. Ticket sales were great. Soon all of Hecuba’s money was coming from the band. Rolling Stone called Hecuba’s band “a miracle of musical ingenuity and tastefulness”. Pitchfork rated her music as superb. Fans across the world adored her.
Hecuba had never been happier: she was making great art, she was having a positive effect on the environment and she making healthy lifestyle choices. Sometimes it’s the little decisions you make that can lead to a happy life.
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