How To Fit A Cap

Adjustable baseball caps are no longer cool.

I’m not sure if they were ever cool, but if this is a longstanding fact of life it has only recently come to my attention. The cool kids now wear fixed size baseball caps.

Or beanies. But we don’t talk about the kids who wear beanies.

In many ways this move to a fixed hat size is reminiscent of the day before the industrial revolution. Before the introduction of velcro, or plastic holes with pegs, craftsmen would build hats to fit the heads of individual customer. No need to have an adjustable hat band, just measure the head and build to fit.

The hatters were quite an interesting breed. They would sit around in their little shops dipping fur from beavers into a sort of mercury bath. All that exposure to mercury and poor ventilation led them to develop erethism mercurialis, which basically means they went nuts. It’s a really unfortunate circumstance, going insane. You’re just about to sit down to tea, and some odd little girl who keeps changing sizes walks in, and the dormouse keeps prattling on about treacle and really what’s a guy to do?

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, yes. Hat sizes.

Adjustable baseball caps are no longer cool. We are now supposed to wear fixed size caps. This is more difficult than it was back in the days when hatters were sipping mercury, because it’s no longer economical to measure everybody’s head. Modern manufacturing processes dictate very few variation in the size and make-up of mass manufactured baseball caps.

Obviously though, the head sizes of people differ more drastically than hat sizes should vary in order to adhere to the proper principles of efficient manufacturing. The problem of making one size of hat that fits many different sizes of heads is a very difficult one.

Like all problems, the best way to deal with it is to eliminate it.

How do we do this? Simple. We make all heads the same size. It’s simple, easy to achieve and will be a great boon for all hat manufacturers.


Photo by Eric Hammett on

13 thoughts on “How To Fit A Cap

  1. I’m glad the hip days of leaving the shiny round brand logo sticker on the front is slowly going away

    Sometimes the straps are REALLY long lately

    Looks like a dog leash or a loose suspenders

  2. I have to take my hat off to you for such an excellent suggestion. I wear a hat for only one reason: to look eccentric. If my head was cut off and I had a neck plate I wouldn’t look eccentric any more – just stupid.

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