How To Increase Your Carbon Footprint

Is anyone else tired of hearing about how to shrink your carbon footprint? I guess it’s fine info if you swing that way, but from the perspective of balance there seems to be a lack of information on how to go about increasing your carbon footprint. As a red blooded American I have a problem with this for two reasons. First, the great, some would say the greatest, American tradition is the tradition of going against the grain. And the second is like it; a love of big machines.

In deference to these two great traditions  I have decided to compile a brief guide to increasing your carbon footprint. Because if you’re gonna piss people off it might as well be fun.

  1. Buy Chinese. Chinese manufacturing is the most environmentally toxic endeavor on the planet. In 2012 China was responsible for 25% of global carbon emissions, and it’s only going up. Chinese exports account for about 1/4 of the countries emissions. By purchasing Chinese products you are actively investing in the largest carbon footprint on the planet. 
  2. Drive Large Vehicles. Really anything under a 1 ton is a waste of your time. RV’s are great. Muscle cars are pretty awesome. There’s a trade off here because older vehicles tend to create more carbon, but newer vehicles have the added benefit of undergoing the manufacturing process and adding to your carbon footprint that way, so you really don’t have to feel guilty about buying a new vehicle. Concerning your vehicle, here are a few hacks to make sure you are creating the maximum footprint.
    * Never use your trunk. Trunks are ergonomically designed to not adversely affect fuel efficiency. Put that luggage on your roof and all that ergonomic design goes down the toilet.
    *Keep your tires soft. Not only does this decrease gas mileage, it also means you;ll have to replace your tires sooner. Yay tire fire!!!!!
    * Avoid cruise control. Yeah, it’s pesky to have to keep your foot on the gas during long road trips, but this is for a cause!
    * Don’t drive if you can fly. Flying not only introduces more carbon into the atmosphere, evidence also suggests that the carbon it produces may be more dangerous to the environment. 
  3. Eat red meat. Studies suggest that if you’re serious about increasing your carbon footprint lamb should be the number one item on your diet. Beef is also pretty excellent. Both sheep and cows are supported by massive carbon footprints, so the added bonus here is that since both animals produce dairy products those products are also very high on the food list. A good sheep’s milk feta served with lamb is a very high footprint meal. Unfortunately if you’re serious about the whole footprint thing you’re gonna have to be pretty skimpy on the vegetables.
  4. Cut down trees. If you have trees around your house or lawn they’re sucking in C02 and nuteuralizing you’re hard work of leaving a bigger footprint. Chop them down. Even better, nuke your lawn with roundup and replace it with a plant free rock garden. 
  5. Keep your appliances plugged in. The nifty thing here is that as long as your appliances are plugged in they are still sucking energy. So even if you don’t want to watch TV or browse the internet on your Windows 95 desktop you can still be contributing to your carbon footprint. 
  6. Keep your house at precisely 69 degrees year round. Obviously this number may vary depending on precisely where you live, but the point is that there is that one temperature that it never is outside. It will be either 20 degrees warmer or 30 degrees colder. Find the median where you always have to be either heating or cooling your house. That’s the temperature you should be keeping it at. 
  7. Avoid insulating windows, single pane is fine. Windows are great because that where either the heat or the cool from your house is going to escape. Less efficient windows will mean more heating or cooling, and a bigger carbon footprint.

    Following these seven simple steps should help you significantly increase your carbon footprint. Don’t let anyone tell you this is simple stuff, or that you’re sluffing off in trying to irreparably harm the planet. Chinese products are horrible, they don’t work as good as domestic products and they have a tendency to break easily. In addition Chinese goods are often laden with harmful chemicals which can be hazardous to your health. Big vehicles are much more difficult and cumbersome to drive, and lifting groceries onto the roof of your RV can be quite a chore. Not eating vegetable can have a negative impact on your health. You won’t have the cool shade tree to sit under in your lawn. You’ll have to drop the habit of nervously unplugging your TV. And your heating bill will go up. Most seriously, your neighbors and friends will tell you that you are becoming a typical suburban Dad.

    Don’t let it get to you. Go against the grain, do it with abandon, and drive big cars. 

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